Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
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Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Very problematic
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
🌱🌱🌱
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.