Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
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If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”