Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
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“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here