ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
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the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
time machine? you mean a clock?
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?