Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
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Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*