I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
life finds a way
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I hate everything