Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
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Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
pat pat
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.