I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
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Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets