When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
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DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Art by Pastelkatto
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late