(before sex)
*sings national anthem
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Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”