I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .