My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
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saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it