Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
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He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I think the cat got the dog high.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband: