Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
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My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?