Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
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interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
his wife is probably gonna see that
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy