Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
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[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Ghost costume 😂
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.