[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
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[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
me, after any kind of buffet.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.