If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
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One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.