most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
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DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad