#ProTip
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excuse me
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not