[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
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[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick