“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
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Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.