Do not levitate over flowers
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“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Um … Hot Wings please
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Can. I. Help. You.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.