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Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Duolingo getting serious.