8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
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Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
She: I like Cats
He:
Hey I worked for it too!
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
sry
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know