4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
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Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
found my next D&D character name
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years