Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
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It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school