My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
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Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Brother?
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”