Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.