Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
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Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
*serious situation*
My brain:
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.