I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
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Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Pat is about to own someone
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
The cake is mightier than the sword.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”