Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
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Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album