– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
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I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.