ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
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I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle