*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
You Might Also Like
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
This meal prepping shit is easy
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.