mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
You Might Also Like
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
you gotta be faster
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023