Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
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I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Sorry not sorry.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.