My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
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Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET