Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
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Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.