In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
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a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
The Struggle
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it