I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
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Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common