Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
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funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.