*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
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“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.