Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
You Might Also Like
Does it…does it take 3 days
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?