There’s always that one guy
You Might Also Like
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Breaking news:
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.