Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
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Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Trying
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.