Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
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I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
2000: I don鈥檛 want no scrubs
2020: I鈥檓 actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Not馃槅馃ぃ
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Oh, I鈥檒l take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Greeting humans vs their dogs
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?