I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
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There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
when dads have a rap battle
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels