The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
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that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
The honesty is refreshing
Goodnight 🐶
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.