Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.